TRUST IN ME

I think while being here I'm truly being tested. I think that I am being tested spiritually, emotionally, and physically. The last few weeks have been true FAITH building experiences. When we were prompted to move here through prayer in the spring, I figured it would be a fun challenge for our family. It has been fun, don't get me wrong. But for me it's been the biggest challenge lately. In the beginning we prayed and prayed, and then acted on. Even though we had the lack of support from so many people. We sold so many of our things. We had a big truck come and take everything we owned. Then before we left we were able to be sealed together as a family forever. Something that had taken years to put into motion, was finally laid out on a table and just 'happened'. The day after that was easy. I woke up early with our car packed and ready to go, piled 3 of our kids in the car and left Jake's parents house, leaving my spouse and 2 of my kids and everything I've known to be home. My family, my friends, my STATE. When I got on the road and realized that I wasn't going to be driving that road for possibly years, my eyes filled with tears and my emotions were strong. I picked up my cousin to help me drive, and we traded back and forth for 2 1/2 days. I'd never been so exhausted behind the wheel in all my life. We made it to Alaska safely, and our first few weeks here where fun. The truck came with our things and I finally felt like we might have fun living here. As the weeks went on, I became homesick. Before we new it our summer was gone and we were getting ready to experience an Alaskan Fall. Jake was getting to know his fellow workers, and we were settling into our ward. I had started homeschooling the kids, and I felt like I wasn't busy enough, maybe that's why I was feeling so homesick...So I emailed my RS President. I had requested for a calling of some kind. Instead, my husband got the calling as the Executive Secretary in our ward. I got the lecture from my Bishop that Jake was being trained to be a bishop, and that by my righteousness that would happen...Jokingly I told the Jake, while the Bishop and the High Councilman were in the room, that "luckily for you Jake that would never happen then." I shouldn't have said that, because since that I felt like lesson after lesson has made me 'more righteous' than the experience before. We've been blessed abundantly, and tempted. Each time we have come out on top and I feel that I am stronger. It scares me to think that one day my husband will be not only gone on Sunday mornings, but into the night. The part of him not being home doesn't scare me, it's the part where I won't need him here on Sundays. The part that he'll be blessing our ward through his love and service. The part that fulfills what our bishop was talking about. We went into the Bishops office for some guidance, and I had felt very overwhelmed. There was a point in our discussion that our loving Bishop asked if we trusted him. I am out here in Alaska, without my family, friends, or people that I know and love. I was being asked a question that I wasn't sure of. I know that Bishop's are called of God, I know that they lead the families in the ward, I know that they're there for guidance, that's why we were there. But I was being asked if I trusted him. Jake didn't hesitate to answer his question, but I wasn't sure. I sat there for a while, and processed why we were there. I was thinking about how many people have burned me after saying those words. I had decided at that moment that I had to trust him. I didn't have anyone else to trust in. My Heavenly Father had put our Savior on this earth for us...For Me. There was a point in our Saviors life where he had to be completely alone. He had to experience that so that he would know how it felt. He had to put all his TRUST in the Lord and he had to have Faith that he would be OK. Lately I have felt so alone. I have had a hard time finding friends here. I had to trust in my Bishop that he was going to help. For the 1st time, we got the guidance we needed to go forward. I felt that the guidance he gave us, was with love. It wasn't attatched with a guilt trip. I'm grateful to be here. I know that we are suppose to be here even though the support isn't there, through birthdays, or other holidays. I am scared to be here through the holidays and not have it be the family sharing day that I know it to be. I'm scared to be here away from home. I know that we probably won't get visitors while we live here. I know that our support is limited, and we have to learn to be ourselves here. We have to learn how to rely on our Heavenly Father. I have to learn how to TRUST, in my Heavenly Father through my Savior. It is the hardest lesson for me at this moment. I hate the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next. I compare it to walking blindly to a staircase that I've never been on. I have to use the hand rail, and I know that there are steps, but it's how far apart they are and how deep they are that I don't know. I feel like I'm alone on this staircase, but I have to learn to TRUST, and it's a lesson I'm scared of. We are entering our winter, our days are shrinking faster and faster and I crave to have the knowledge of what I need to make it with each step. I have finally gotten 2 callings instead of one. I am praying everyday that by being here is a lesson that in the end I will look back and be grateful for. I do miss my family more than they will know, I miss being able to leave my house and not use my GPS to find things like the post office. I miss being able to just go and visit a friend. I miss the short drives to my dad's and the short drive to other family. I miss the simple hugs that I could get from the ones that I love, whether it be friends or family. Through all the small trials though, I do love that our family is growing stronger as a Unit. I am also grateful for the chance we have to read the Scriptures in the morning with our schoolwork. I am mostly grateful for the closeness I am forced to have with my Heavenly Father. I pray more now, than I have prayed in a long time. I am grateful for the growth that I have made. I know that I am being TESTED. I am going to come out on top...