Random rambings

The last few months have been a struggle for me. I've been trying to find where I belong, I've been trying to accomplish everything all at once and seem to be going in one place. I've been trying to remember those simple tasks that I should be doing daily, like my personal prayers, scripture study, FHE each week and writing in my journal, they seem to get lost in the tasks of the day to day things. So I decided that if I would mark where I was when I felt so lost and then change things for the better, and then take a step back in a few months, and maybe I would be able to notice a difference. I would say that I feel that I have made a positive change. In February I felt like a broken person trying to mend. I was trying to get back to life as it once was. March came and I struggled, mostly with loosing my mom. Her birthday was the 14th and I felt as though I had forgotten too much about her. I felt that she had forgotten me and I had forgotten why I was striving. I had ran out of steam and my medication for my depression. I was trying to cope, and just wasn't doing a very good job. I was ultimately trying to figure out where I was suppose to belong. I noticed that life had gone on without me....so it seemed. I had changed estrogen medication and was trying the shots. April came and went and my boys were all the sudden older and I was feeling it. I started back on my depression medication, and finally sat down and was trying to evaluate what I was doing wrong to feel so negative all the time.....My solution.....was to find a REAL schedule. Each day was a different task, it was a different battle and I felt like mess. I couldn't stay on task for anything. I was stringing Jake along with my ADHD thoughts and actions. I'd start a task and then ask Jake to help me. When he'd come I would leave the room to do something, and forget what I was doing and so I'd start a new task, call Jake to help, and he would come running before the last task was finished. I would do this all the time when he was home. He finally got after me and pointed out what I was doing, and sure enough, I WAS A WRECK. Poor guy, was following me around like an obedient dog.....I don't want anyone to think that I feel that way about Jake, because I don't. I was miss treating him, like he was an animal and not my dear sweet husband. I truly am grateful for Jake and for the times he can put me in check so I can re evaluate where I'm at. I was able to get a hold of a book that helped me find a schedule not only for myself, but for EACH of the kids. I started to implement it and each of them LOVE IT. It's structure, it's perfect and they all eat it up. They each get their own personal time, they each get to spend quality time with each other and they each get mom/dad time that wasn't happening before and this is happening on a daily basis. I am able to find a few moments to myself without interruptions. And the school work is being done without a fight. I was able to find the joy in each of the kids that I felt I lost. I was able to read my scriptures and I was able to study them instead of ramble through them so I could check them off my list. I was also able to get the kids' eyes checked. I learned that Kurt and EmberLee have NO peripheral vision. Which makes complete sense. Kurt has the worst motion sickness, which is due from lack of paripheral vision. EmberLee has a real reason why she randomly falls. We are currently looking into getting that fixed through vision therapy. I'm feeling more like a mom instead of an unrecognizable wicked witch. The other thing that I had decided to do was step out on a limb and meet people. I feel like I'm back to myself...for the most part. I continue to struggle with my depression and I try to hold my head up high while I'm struggling. I can't see where I'm going when I'm focusing on the steps I've made in the past. I have to move forward and make better steps :) The other huge thing that we are focusing on right now as a family is moving. As a lot of you know, we have a landlord that is REALLY hard to work with. We have decided that we need to lower our rent so that we can save money, and also pay off some bills so that we can get into a home in a year. We currently don't have enough credit. So to build it we need to find places where we can cut our budget....Rent is an easy one to do, and we've cut in other areas as well. We don't eat out here in Alaska like we did back home. It's way too expensive here to even try. So we're packing up and we're moving closer to our ward building. We see this better for a few reasons. Seminary will be much easier for Kurt in the fall. We're much closer to the hospital by about 5 mi. so we'll be able to save money on gas. It's also closer to the Lake, the Idea office, and stores, so we could even walk if we wanted. We can finally get a pet if we wanted too, which we need something. Poor Theron is terrified of anything without a human face. So we're going to look into that also. We won't have as much room, but we won't be wasting so much space either. It will be tight, but it will also motivate us to get a move on :) These are the worries on my brain the last little while. I have lots of blogs to post with pictures, but sometimes I have to just plop out what's on my brain and then I feel like maybe I can start fresh on the blogs that have pictures and fun stuff to read about. For now, this is my random ramblings. Thanks for reading.....I'm sure it was pretty boring :)