When we first came here to Alaska at the end of May I was shocked at how much light there was. The sun didn't start to set until well after 1 am. And it was coming back up around 4 am. It made being a night owl easy. However as the fall came and went, and the Winter approached fast. I learned about the DARK. I have had a history with depression for years now. But here in Alaska it was harder.
I didn't have my extended family as accessible. It was so difficult. There were times I would end up in my closet curled up contemplating suicide. The only thing at times that would keep me from doing such a selfish thing was #1. Going to the Temple nearly 6 months before would have become a waste and #2. How would Jake handle 5 kids on his own. I had my prozac that I could take, but I only had enough for 2 or 3 days, and it was giving me side effects that I couldn't handle. Being on the verge of suicide had me not caring about getting help. I felt that it didn't matter. That I didn't matter. That it all was a waste, being alone here Alaska was proving that know one cared. I later found out that I was also suffering from
Seasonal Affective Disorder. I learned that simply upping my Vit D-3 intake and B-complex and getting a S.A.D. light would help. I started out taking 4000 IU's a day...which didn't do me any good. I then added B-complex. It wasn't doing much good either. My grandma then called to let me know that her Doctor told her that 10,000 IU's a day was definitely OK for someone here in Alaska. So I upped it. It started to help. I felt like I could home school again. Not having a Christmas bonus to use for our Christmas made it even worse. I didn't quite know how I was suppose to get a light. Ornery still and very emotional I was told by a new friend here in Alaska that her family had chose me to donate there Christmas fund to. They collect money though out the year and then choose a family anonymously to give it to to help for Christmas. She told me so that I wouldn't spend our Christmas money on one. When she pulled me aside and told me this, I cried. I went home and got on my knees and Thanked my Heavenly Father for the humbling experience and also my gratitude for this neat family. I was on my knees in gratitude for over an hour. When it arrived I ripped it out of the box and woke up nice and early the next morning to use it. It felt so good. I could feel my body thrive the light. Even though it was artificial, it felt sensational. I could feel my soul nearly leap at the light. It has helped me gain the desire to go and get help for my depression. Now I am on something to help level out my mentalness :) I can now get up and have a desire to hug my children. I have the desire to home school effectively again. I have the desire to be something. At least mentally. After I get my physical self pulled together I'll be worth a million bucks :) A lot of people have asked about my light. So I thought that I should blog about it. IT'S WORTH IT!! The light is getting longer and longer each day. Soon I'll have my perfect Alaskan Summer back, but until then I will bask in my blessed artificial light :)
When we first came here to Alaska at the end of May I was shocked at how much light there was. The sun didn't start to set until well after 1 am. And it was coming back up around 4 am. It made being a night owl easy. However as the fall came and went, and the Winter approached fast. I learned about the DARK. I have had a history with depression for years now. But here in Alaska it was harder. 
I didn't have my extended family as accessible. It was so difficult. There were times I would end up in my closet curled up contemplating suicide. The only thing at times that would keep me from doing such a selfish thing was #1. Going to the Temple nearly 6 months before would have become a waste and #2. How would Jake handle 5 kids on his own. I had my prozac that I could take, but I only had enough for 2 or 3 days, and it was giving me side effects that I couldn't handle. Being on the verge of suicide had me not caring about getting help. I felt that it didn't matter. That I didn't matter. That it all was a waste, being alone here Alaska was proving that know one cared. I later found out that I was also suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I learned that simply upping my Vit D-3 intake and B-complex and getting a S.A.D. light would help. I started out taking 4000 IU's a day...which didn't do me any good. I then added B-complex. It wasn't doing much good either. My grandma then called to let me know that her Doctor told her that 10,000 IU's a day was definitely OK for someone here in Alaska. So I upped it. It started to help. I felt like I could home school again. Not having a Christmas bonus to use for our Christmas made it even worse. I didn't quite know how I was suppose to get a light. Ornery still and very emotional I was told by a new friend here in Alaska that her family had chose me to donate there Christmas fund to. They collect money though out the year and then choose a family anonymously to give it to to help for Christmas. She told me so that I wouldn't spend our Christmas money on one. When she pulled me aside and told me this, I cried. I went home and got on my knees and Thanked my Heavenly Father for the humbling experience and also my gratitude for this neat family. I was on my knees in gratitude for over an hour. When it arrived I ripped it out of the box and woke up nice and early the next morning to use it. It felt so good. I could feel my body thrive the light. Even though it was artificial, it felt sensational. I could feel my soul nearly leap at the light. It has helped me gain the desire to go and get help for my depression. Now I am on something to help level out my mentalness :) I can now get up and have a desire to hug my children. I have the desire to home school effectively again. I have the desire to be something. At least mentally. After I get my physical self pulled together I'll be worth a million bucks :) A lot of people have asked about my light. So I thought that I should blog about it. IT'S WORTH IT!! The light is getting longer and longer each day. Soon I'll have my perfect Alaskan Summer back, but until then I will bask in my blessed artificial light :)
4 comments:
Ty,
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hate depression. I know it's been a rough road, but I'm glad you've found sonething to help you out of the darkness. Like you said, soon you will be enjoying the beautiful Alaskian summer, and we'll all be jealous. Love you. You are never alone...even when you can't feel HIM. You have a friend sitting in that deep dark closet with you and He loves you dearly...How could He not, you are His daughter!
For one thing, you are just amazing for all the things you are doing as a mother and a wife and living in Alaska. I have a hard enough time living in Utah during the winters. Never underestimate your worth! The Lord will be there for you, and that's awesome that the family helped you get the light. I hope it has made a difference for you.
Thanks for blogging about the SAD light, etc. I sure hope your days of being curled up in the closet do not return. Know you are loved immensely! I'm glad the light is helping and that you have an awesome family there in Alaska that listens to the promptings.
I couldn't imagine the struggles you must be going through. Thank you so much for posting about your experiences. It helps not only you to sort through your feelings but it helps others to see that they are not alone in depression and feelings of despare. I'm so happy that you were able to find some help and that you are able to see the good in everything again. I know how hard it is to get help or even want to get help when you are in those deep dark places but you did it. Again you are an inspiration.
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