A difficult decission

I can't help but think of a simple decision that was made in the past. How that simple decision in the past has made my life completely different than what it could have been. It's like looking down the one road and seeing a fork. You compare the two and try to imagine life on each of them. The one that seems to be the one that is appealing at the fork tends to lead to a cliff. At the bottom of the cliff is a river with lots of rocks. When you've traveled on it you remember being whipped in the face and scratched up because of the trail that wasn't traveled on. After looking over the edge and realizing how hard it was, you turn to look at where you have come from and realize that it was the road that wasn't meant for you.

This is what I've been thinking lately about parenting. At least with my oldest. I feel like a failure. There isn't a morning that goes by that I can see myself looking down at those jagged rocks trying to come up with a way to get to the bottom without breaking bones. It seems like no matter what I try to do.Isn't helping or I can't see the progress yet. I'm scared to know what that outcome is going to be, because the end result isn't going to be known until years down the road.

Sunday we had a family fast. We fasted for Kurtis. The day before his birthday a facility opened up that we have been waiting for for months. Kurt is dealing with some things that we can't help him with. This kid was having the roughest time and neither Jake nor I could help him. No matter what we tried. A long story short Kurtis went to a facility that would do an assessment on him that would be able to tell us what he needed. We could get him on the right medication. We could get him the help he truly needed after hopefully understanding what was wrong. We've gone up to Anchorage as a family every Monday night since he's been there. We've talked to him on the phone every night also. We have found out that he has a reason for behaving the way he has. We also have learned that what he has isn't easily medicated. Kurtis still needs a lot of professional help that we can't provide.

The last few days have been really rough. Not only on Kurt but for me as his mother. I feel like I'm at the point of standing too close to the edge of that cliff I talk about. I feel the rock slide start to happen beneath my feet. I find it interesting that the scriptures I come across are about having faith in our trials, and about praying for our children. About having strength to overcome trials. I find it interesting how when I feel at my weekest I'm able to still function. Outwardly I don't feel like anything is wrong. But when I take a second and breath and listen to my chest as the air goes in and out. And I can consentrate on the dryness of my mouth when I breathe in, and the slowness of my blinks. I take a second to realize I might be in a blink of time. My eyes feel with tears. My heart hurts. I feel like I've got something in my throat and I can't swollow. Then I realize that I am filled with the spirit. The Holy Ghost is comforting me. I realize that I'm not alone. I realize Kurt isn't alone. I realize that he's being protected. I realize that through each blink my Heavenly Father sees me and knows of my sons needs, and of my desires for him. My Heavenly Father sees that I am struggling for answers. I am not alone. I'm able to sleep, and I'm able to comfort my kids and I'm able to take time to pray and to read the scriptures. I'm able to gain friendships that otherwise wouldn't develop into what they have been.

I was at work yesterday when I found out that the Kurtis wouldn't be close by. The facility that he's going to be going to is far away. We don't know where he is moving to yet, but it will either be in Juneau or Fairbanks. Not close at all. I couldn't help but feel scared for him. I couldn't help but be selfish. Jake and I wouldn't be able to see him weekly, or monthly. Jake and I could only see him every 3 months. Insurance would pay for us to fly to see him if he were to go to Juneau. The kids wouldn't be able to see him that often. Unless we paid for it. But I was trying to figure out how this was going to work. I knew he needed the help and that was where it was. Jake was scrubbed in at the other facility and I was alone to wallow in all of these new thoughts. As my brain was in overdrive I did have a friend there. Brandy is a Nurse that Jake and I work with. Her and her husband Huey aren't members of the church, but very Christian. She followed me back to my department, because she knew something was wrong. When I told her of the new development, she grabbed my hands and asked if she could pray with me. She didn't hesitate. It was private and she bowed her head and closed her eyes and gave the most fervent prayer, pleading to God to help me and Jake and to give our child the strength to move forward. And to have mercy on us and our struggles. I couldn't help but let the tears roll. She is truly an inspiration to me. She loves her Heavenly Father. We are praying to the same God. We worship the same man. We both know that Christ hung on that cross to bear our burdens. At that moment in time I realized that Brandy is the best thing I could have at that moment in time. I love Brandy and Huey. I am truly grateful for both of them. I'm grateful for Brandy and her willingness to  not hesitate with her love and faith in God. She is the most unselfish person I know. She is a beautiful person. I don't know what I would have done without her.

Today I've been letting these options soak in. It's been hard. Harder tonight especially knowing that my son thinks I hate him. After a phone conversation that went sour. He thinks I don't know what I'm doing and he feels that I'm out to ruin his life. I am now hoping that all of this will be appreciated years down the road. Because at this point in time I hurt. My heart hurts for my son. My head hurts, my soul hurts. I can't make it better right now and I feel like a failure knowing he can't see why I'm trying to help him. Mental illness runs very heavy in my family, and in his. I just wish that it could be fixed easily. In the mean time I will stay on my knees and pray that he knows I love him. I pray that he will understand one day that I am helping him because I love him. I pray that we will all get through this.

Now for those that have read this you now know our family is in desperation for prayers. Please don't be afraid to send them our way. We truly love and appreciate the love and support we get.