Just a story

A little over 5 years ago on Valentines Day, I found out I was pregnant with Bridger.......let me back up on this story, a few months before this around Thanksgiving, Jake and I had this discussion about being ready to add a new baby to our family. I had an IUD in place for Birth Control. Because of the struggle we had getting pregnant with EmberLee we decided to make an appointment to discuss any concerns with our midwife. In January we met with Kathrine our midwife. She had told us after having the Marina (IUD that has hormones) that it could take 6 months to a year to get pregnant. So we decided to go ahead and have it taken out. We weren't quite ready, but 6 months it seemed that would be perfect timing. Jake was in school and he could finish is semester and would be that much further ahead in 6 months. The end of January I wasn't feeling to well. It was pretty persistent. I was so exhausted, and the flu that never ended was ruling my life. I had felt that possibly something could be seriously wrong. So I went in to see my midwife again, I use her for regular appointments too. She's not just a midwife. Anyways, after meeting with her she decided to check to see if I happened to be pregnant. I just knew she was wrong. She said it would take up to a year before we would get pregnant. So I accepted the pregnancy test just to entertain her. Maybe after she learned I wasn't pregnant, she would find out what was really wrong with me. It was later in the day, so the blood work would be drawn, but the results wouldn't be available until the next day. On Valentines day 2006, I got a call on the phone. Jake was at work, and I was home with EmberLee who was sleeping. When I answered the phone call it went something like this, "Hi this is *Shannon from Mt Timpangoas Women's Heath Care, is Tyra at home?" just for the record the reason I put an asterisk by Shannon's name, because in this true life setting I didn't want to disclose her real name......actually it's because I forgot her name.....remember I said it went 'something' like this, not it went exactly like this....anyways, I responded of course "This is her." our asterisk lady responded, "can you verify your Social Security number?" I said, "123-45-6789" (did you really think I was going to put my real Social Security number down??? I would be asking for my life to be stolen if I did) she then told me why she was calling, "We got your results in from your pregnancy test that you took yesterday, and it is positive. Katherine wanted to see you back next week to get you registered for your 12 week appointment can we schedule that now?" I was stuck in the middle of hearing all that, I was stuck on the word P O S I T I V E......positive.....PoSiTiVe......P O S I T I V E ..........pOsItIvE............POSITIVE. Then she said, "Tyra, can we schedule that now?" I had to make sure she wasn't telling me someone else's results, because something was wrong with me, I couldn't be pregnant, remember it was going to take 6 months to a year before that could happen. Even if it wasn't a year, I could totally accept 6 months later. I only had my IUD out just over a month ago. I had 5 more months to go......I answered of course with, "are you sure you've got the right person? Because I'm sick." She laughed and said, "YEAH, I'm sure I've got the right chart in front of me, you are Tyra Louise Lyman? Can you verify your birthday?" that went on, and the reality set in. The appointment got made and then I hung up the phone. I was in utter SHOCK. I wanted to throw up....ohh yeah, I had a meaning to barf now, I really wasn't going to die, I was going to have a baby. I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY. I was seriously in shock. I started to cry. I couldn't believe we were going to do this before I had planned. I tried to call Jake, I wanted to bawl on his shoulder, but ended up having to tell the nurse what was wrong, between sobs. Which in turn they patched me into the Heart Case he was stuck in. The news flew in the OR, and I could hear a lot of CONGRATS MAN! to Jake :). I was still curious as to why it was suppose to be an exciting time. This was not on my time schedule....now, let's fast forward through the 9 months. I want to point out some of the feelings I had through out this pregnancy. I was severely depressed, and suicidal at times. I cried a lot. I had talked to an old friend on the phone about my feelings toward my planned, unplanned pregnancy. She asked if I would give up my baby if the circumstances were right. I thought about it, and knew that without a doubt the hatred that ran through me would no doubt help me decide to give this baby away if Jake weren't alive, or with me for whatever reasons. That night I let my words run though my head again, it scared me to know that I had those feelings for my unborn child. He seemed like a nuisance. It really scared me that I could feel that way at all. So I got down on my knees to plead with Heavenly Father. I wasn't sure if I needed forgiveness, or just the help to overcome these horrible feelings. I prayed for a while that night. I remember my knee caps throbbing. I cried hard during this prayer. I don't remember everything I said, but I do remember asking that Heavenly Father make this baby look like Jake, because if he looked like Jake I know that I would love him. Months past and the horrible feelings only grew stronger. I didn't have much relief of the depression or the suicidal thoughts. I hated everything about this pregnancy. More so than any other pregnancy. For some that know me and how I feel about pregnancy, I'm not a fan anyways. I would put this level of dislike on a new low. We met some new friends that had moved in to the side of us. Mike and Shawna Redford. Shawna was pregnant the same time I was. Come to find out Jake and Mike served in the same mission field. They shared companions. So we for surely had things in common. Shawna was also pregnant. We were due at the same time. She helped me see that this was going to be a good thing, I just had to get outside of my evil box. I say evil, because God isn't in negative thoughts, only satan. I had to some how overcome these feelings. Shawna had their baby the beginning of Sept. I want to say the 7th. The weeks that passed I was able to hold her baby and try to feel a love for the baby that I had inside me. I was seriously trying to overcome this feeling that seemed to over rule my life as I knew it. It wasn't like I was knocked up, or that I was a rape victim or anything like that. I was suppose to be happy about this. Well, as the weeks came closer I started going into labor....there are some insides of this story that I won't include. But by the time we ended up at the hospital, Frances (Jakes mom), and Virginia (my dad's wife, my friend and I guess my step mom...I hate that title) came. When it was time to push, Jake was delivering him just as he did with EmberLee (the joy of having a midwife). I had envisioned this day since Valentines, the day I learned I was pregnant. The split second that he was born and I saw him, everything I felt changed. I was overwhelmed with the love that I had toward this baby that I felt so horrible about. My emotions flooded my heart. I couldn't help but cry. When I held him, all the hatred that was in me was gone. When I looked into this babies eyes, I loved him so much, maybe even more than any other baby. He looked JUST LIKE Jake. I couldn't believe how my feelings had changed in just matter of a split second. I sometimes catch my self loving on this kid more than the others. I think sometimes I feel guilty for the way I felt during his pregnancy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at his little Jake face and am reminded of the love I felt toward him the day I laid eyes on him. This September 27th a few days before my birthday, he will be 5. When I took this picture the other day I was filled with that same love again. I was reminded of that day he was born. I've been thinking a lot about Bridger, and a lot about my depression, a lot about the love I have for my Heavenly Father. and a lot about how I'm blessed with each and everyone of my children. I'm so grateful for the struggle that I went through during Bridger's pregnancy. He makes me smile everyday. I don't know what I would do without his sweet spirit in our home. I wanted to share this story because I'm sure a lot of you don't know why I smile when I look at him. Anytime you see me loving on this kid, just know that the good contrast is why I'm smiling. I love this kid SOO MUCH. I still struggle with my depression, but it's not overwhelming my life. The love for my family is.